I wish you would see this! He clearly has a severe case of NPD! Tell them how you feel and open up to them. J well that may be your perception of the situation, but generally people do not dump because they are with a good man or father.relationships are intricate and NO ONE other than the 2 people in the relationship KNOW what the TRUTH is between them. "@type": "Question", Instead they decided to stick by my ex, even giving him a three piece suite knowing I had nothing! You really need to grow up and do some soul searching. So my question is, how is divorced life working out for ya? I told him to take it off and not do that again. I, too, wish my in-law familys relationship with my husbands ex was less. Just my opinion. So if on his time he schedules an event ( bowling) and invites her family and they go they are allowed but I suspect once the OP hears about from her kids it will still hurt. Im sure for free. Treat any support or help as coming from God and dont rely on family, friends or man. Because then chances are that he is using you as a replacement for his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. My family doesnt have much to do with my ex either. The family of hers still want her to be with her ex and she seems to follow their wish. I do not need my husband anymore he can go to hell with his child support that he never pays. They chose to be friends with him because he was closer. He fought me on support as well. You are no being unreasonable. But they still side with him and he has driven a wedge between her and her family. Now, my two sisters, my mom, and I all live in the same town. First of all your sister is being unreasonable! He and My sister in Law were trying to Get back at me Truthfully it sounds like they are trying to hurt you. Because in reality its their mental illness not me . I agree completely that your family should respect your wishes of you not wanting to be around your ex husband all of the time and they need prioritize you being at family functions and events over your ex. Be strong! Lets all move on. My mom is sick with congestive heart failure, I am her only child and she still engages them. Omg, I am going through a similar situation. YOU GOT A DIVORCE?! Now some people can make hanging out with ex after divorce work, even psychologists say it can work BUT ONLY IF THERE ARE NO CASES OF ABUSE. You need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your boyfriend about his feelings towards his ex, his feelings towards this little girl, and where he sees things going in the future. Even still, it can be best to give things time. Now I think about how much Ill miss, because Im only 50. My mother knew well that my sister loves to blame ALL her troubles on anybody but herself. While in her 20s, her mother using a fake email address wrote a letter posing as her daughter expressing her hatred of me. My ex cozied up even more than ever to my sister during our acrimonious divorce. Still Hanging Out With Her Ex's Family. Sad part is many people just walk away leaving pure destruction. I have realised that they are very much into appearances and that youre only an acceptable member of the family if you work 40 plus hours a week and are constantly trying to better yourself materially. I cant for the life of me fanthoming to do that to any one let alone my own child. My ex said he was leaving me. I would definitely visit my sister, even if she lived a few doors from my ex. My mother in law was going to move her back here and into her home we had heard through the grapevine. Something is definitely wrong in family dynamics nowadays. Today, the website offers thousands of pages of divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts, videos, and targeted advertising. It is not his family anymore, he shouldnt come to family gatherings thats just nuts. I empathize. I have peace of mind that I cannot be bothered, you dont choose your family or where you are born into, clearly my family chose him over me, it is all right, I learnt to cope with it. If you cant handle being around your ex, its time to grow up and move on with your life. Other than my parents, I have lost the beautiful relationship with my sister and family. I deal with the same thing. I agree. Ive gone through so much heartbreak because my dad and sister chose to invite my ex and his partner to every family event. Family or not- toxic is toxic! Bless you. Its up to my husband to say something.so I am waiting this out to see what will be said. About 1wk he later, I was visiting my grandparents and his Truck is parked next door at my Mothers rental house and hes living there and coming to my 90yr old grandparents to eat dinner everyday. He even told me that he was a great actor and should have gotten an academy award during the last years of our marriage. Infidelity on both sides were symptoms but there was so much more involved that caused our marriage to end. I should just get over it. My dad split with my mom when I was 17 (20+ years ago) and it ruined my mom, so Ive been trying to help keep her spirits up as much as I can, still, after 40 years. Yes! ", Similar to communication style, you can learn a lot based on how and when the two of them spend time together. I dont know how to act at future family events at Holidays. I am guessing it is you that is the narcissist! Know that youre not alone in this! You divorced him, your family didnt. And it DOES NOT mean that he wants to go back together with her either. While they were dating my boyfriend and his ex spent a lot of time with his parents. We dont have kids, have never been married and only been together for 6 months. OP it sounds like both your ex and family r toxic. What does seem clear is that your boyfriend sincerely considers it mostly his fault that they divorced, and both he and his ex-wife . I just want to say thank you for most of these posts. Especially when your Ex is their favourite man. I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. At the end of the day divorce is only between her and her ex. My exs personality disorder really spun me for a loop so I saw a therapist and covering this with the therapist they indicated it really shouldnt be a problem if the family thinks I am good and invites me and I think the same of them and accept then so be it its their choice, its my choice. Thats why you should be careful when marrying. Unfortunately the marriage just did not work. I suspect her issue is jealousy, since her mother intentionally got pregnant with her so my dad would stop running to my mothers aid every time I was sick, etcetera. I came home to him passed out drunk and my house looking like a tornado hit it. Its tough because you cant make them not stop seeing each other. If your ex is anything like mine she will know exactly what she is doing and its plain nasty of her. I have no peace.I feel all alone, Im in the same boat. My heart aches for you. Thats really what it comes down to is needing the distance. At the end of the day YOUR family should be there for you and his family there for him! Be overly friendly, in fact. It could be but still she is family and an ex is an ex. My family stuck by me, all ties cut! I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Kathy didnt invite me to nephews graduation and shes being very secretive about my ex going to my moms to spend time with her. So wot if I said that I now ur doing some think with ur ex he turns round and says it irrelevant to me as hes smirking is that a red flag. He attends Christmas, birthdays and special events with my family. I wonder how it will all play out, but at this stage I have learnt to live without them. I moved ou. Of course my heart was ripped out and I have voiced my feelings about the whole situation to only be ignored. Your better of and are lucky in ways you cant imagine, what if it where the opposite and you getting divorced meant you found out he never cared and fucked off entirely and made no effort to pay alimony/child support(unless there above 18) and didnt make an effort to know his children? This is a classic case of toxic family escape goating. My friends I lost and now he is after my family. The more that their family was a part of your life, the more likely that you can continue to be friends with them after a breakup. Love him, enjoy him and let the rest of this go. At my daughters high school graduation my ex father-in-law tried to engage me in cordial conversation. She has no right to control who they see or invite to their homes. For 6 months etc) as well as stealing money from the family They have been the only family I had for the last two decades. Were exhausted. weve been dating for just about 5 months now and he talks to her sometimes and brings her up from time to time knowing it bothers me. And good for the betteembet of yourself , I think the above comment is unfair. I promise you that youll feel better once you dont care anymore. Theyre DIVORCED. There were other issues like the leftover personal items mysteriously disappearing in the 15 month long divorce. I needed to be alone, not to find a guy. }] A boundary should have been drawn a long time ago. It amazes me how childish people become when a relationship ends. Going through something similar now. Can you really still love people that treat you so badly and is the everyday pain really preferable to the fear you feel of letting go? The lingering presence of the said ex in their life can be the first clear indicator you need to watch out for. Soon after my divorce, my ex started attending all of my nephews ball games. Any ex who deliberately manipulates their in laws and drives a wedge between the biological son/daughter and their family is evil and must get some kind of ego trip from it. Its what she wants. And when he goes to events, you are uncomfortable enough not to attend. There is no more middle ground, i have to choose between fake family love, continual ignoring of real grand child on one side versus avoiding family get togethers at the expense of my teenage child who has no clue about this. That really hurt. But your family should understand that unfortunately severing ties with your Ex comes with the territory of divorce. My ex asked me to abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant. Get yourself a good man. My children are grown have been divorced for years, my daughters continue their relationship with their father which I have no problem with but they are stepping over the line now. I have my sons wedding this weekend and I am sure he will be there so I will have to put on that fake smile I so learned to use while married to him and just work my way through it. And two years later he is still doing his evil from keeping my sister and her family away from me . I began trying to save my marriage (in retrospect I had been trying for 4 years already) but my husband admitted he didnt want to make any changes to do the same which is when I realised I couldnt stay with someone who didnt care. They have every right to continue their relationship though people are not disposable many in this world are to quick to throw someone away and no one has the right to ask another person to do that. We had my ex over for holidays, birthdays etc and later him and his new family. I told my bf he told me he misses his mom. Everyone is allowing her to make the rules, so she does. Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, 10 Tips for a Lasting Relationship After Divorce. By remaining friends with his ex's family, he is subjecting himself to lifelong and indirect contact with his ex, through her family. Hes not interested in me because of his new life, and I dont really talk to him anymore. Im so sorry I know your pain and it runs so deep aleast with me!!! At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. Especially know Dad is remarried. He has never been there for his own daughter . Your words above help.I need to resign that it will never get easier.but I too will never win a golf game with Tiger Woods and I will never win the manipulation game with my ex.so I dont play his game or anyone who wants to try to pretend that they are just trying to include everyone. My family is small and his is huge. It's ridiculous to ask you to come to his family events with his ex there. She told me that with all her might and energy she would see to it that the Id never have a relationship. Sounds like youre one of those people shes describing. I think its your family that is unreasonable. Youre too jealous and resentful to let your children have a decent relationship with their own goddamn father. When his ex-girlfriend calls him, however, he has to take the call in another room or go outside for a walk. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. Some reflection on what his extended family situation is should provide you with more in depth answers. They'll help reassure you, and perhaps the two of you can brainstorm a solution. Invite them. Thats wrong. I not only lost her, but I loved her kids as if they were mine. Of course, after the hangout, her X uses it to hurt my sister. I talk to friends about it and they all have there thoughts of the matter. I am sorry you lost your family but if she can do that to her own daughter she does not deserve to be a mother. Then it should be time for them to reflect on who family really is and support you. And not just my mother but my aunt, grandmother, and my brother. temple whatsapp + 1 (561) 705 -1922. I hear his ex talking sometimes. I try really hard to do whats best for my kids. I never did anything batshit apart to leave a man who I found out since day one had been manipulating my good nature. Make sure you're trying to stay friends with an ex's family for the right reasons. Now his ex is pregnant and its looking like his sister is going to be godmother to the baby. Necessary functions or gatherings as welllike the kids birthdays, graduations and weddings and then the birth of grandchildren down the road! You where married for 13 years. I am somewhat recently divorced myself after 12 years of marriage and wouldnt dream or putting my ex in that position. When you get married you marry the family, so when you get divorced you divorce the family. Im focusing on my own life and will soon be transferring to a four-year university to obtain my baccalaureate in journalism. Ive got the polite Hellos, Nice you see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family functions. We know this as fact, because she made videos of her cheating. Regardless, I would focus less on them and more on yourself, your children and rebuilding a healthy life for yourself. I am divorced and have two children, but he never married although he did live with a woman for 5 years. All the stuff I have done for my son and how badly he treated my son doesnt mean anything to them. I stay away from them But guess what? What ever happened to family loyalty. When he's busy with his family, focus on your own passions, hobbies and life. All these ignorant people soothing and comforting you are ignorant to your covert narcissist bullshit, but there will always be woke/enlightened empaths such as myself that will set free all the unfortunate souls that you put in a box via compartmentalization for a never ending source of narcissistic supply. It was due to the fact that most did not agree with her wanting to destroy our family for the sake of finding herself and date other men. I experienced this. I didnt speak to my dad or sister for 2 years after the divorce after hearing from my daughter how they were all going out for meals and drinks together. You are so inconsiderate of feelings. It kills me to this day that just because we got a divorce his family turned on me. I was close to my exes family but as soon as we split I naturally and respectfully kept my distance. False. To answer your question, I dont think its unreasonable at all. I dont know how old they are, but, i have found, if old enough, you can tell them that it hurts you- then they will not think it is anger and maybe understand better. She is 8 now. People make choices. Woman to woman, mother to mother this woman is already confused and betrayed by her own toxic family Please, think of someone other than yourself before you comment on a public post where another woman is being so vulnerable. I cant begin to tell you the painful stories. And I had to spend a lot of time making him understand. Im so sorry you went through this and I wish you luck and peace going forward. I completely understand this as well. Do/did you ever spend time with them outside of hollydays. 2017-But my mother and sister again met with my daughter and her mother over the past winter. remain firm, Im currently gong through this and would like to hear more what you would say to my specific situation. It is left for me to forgive and accept him back, he has been calling my phone for days, sending a lot of messages. To be clear, I do not pity you at all. As painful as that is, and believe me in some ways I understand (Im divorced), you dont want your children growing up believing Grandma and Grandpa (aunts and uncles) hate their dad. It just seems wrong. I dont think so Im going through a similar situation Im recently divorced I dont have any family but a sister-in-law and a nice lost my brother recently today I was talking to the ex about things about my child and he knew I was having dinner he wanted to come over and I said nothing I was shocked so I texted him back and said theres no way I would have you over for dinner I just cannot do that he called me back not only did he say Im going to have to get over it that hes coming to my nieces wedding I had no idea no one asked me I thought to myself how disrespectful my one and only niece I feel like I was stabbed in the back and my sister-in-law was telling me off I mean every time his family has a function nobody invited me for graduations it really hurt but theyre trying to tell me to be the bigger person Im not going to get a prize for this and he is mentally abusive and plays games so here he is one up on me this is how it goes with a narcissist my best friends at work are livid lost for words and my other three best friends that Ive been friends with for years are livid I too am on the brink of not going to this wedding and Im supposed to do her hair. Ive called her on this and told her it is inappropriate. For example, maybe you're in a relationship with someone new, and you'd like to stay in touch with your ex's family, but you know that spending time with them will make your new partner uncomfortable. My husbands brother told me that the ex-wife was his sister. You cant do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. Again I feel like there is alot of missing info. Made snide comments about his excessive drinking and mishandling of money. Revenge at last !!! He says that he doesn't have any feeling about her or her pictures but these photos have to be saved because they are his memories and remind him of his past. I hope that survivors of demons such as yourself read this and allow me to break that same box you put people in (probably people closest to you) open with my bare hands. Abuse is not love. I want to use this opportunity to thank Robinsonbuckler11 (at) gmail com.. for what he has done for me and for helping me to get my ex back. Cultivate friends and have your own super bowl parties and holiday dinners.I It really is just about boundaries and everyone needs to be respectful of each other. The only mistake she has ever made in her life was marrying her X. I try to be nice and include her in things. I am no psychologist but it sounds like he is a narcissist and is using your ties to your family to get back at you. What is happening now shows a lack of loyalty to you, betrayal and the children are used as an excuse to perpetuate that by your family and your ex. It could be worse . If they cant get on board, its time for you to take that free time and find someone of your own and a new tribe of people who will value you. Which is totally fine. She does not care. I fantasize about shooting her in the face sometimes. In fact it sounds like he is a nice guy and her family sincerely likes him. When he does that and Mom knows he's serious, that mom-and-ex relationship will quickly dissolve. When youve had a long relationship with someone, and the relationship suddenly ends Of course, your feelings for that person dont suddenly just go away after a couple of months. If she wanted to help him in the near future, I wouldnt be too upset. My familys dynamic was changed forever with my daughters divorce. Why did you leave him, did he do something or was the enotions just gone. I am experiencing the exact same thing. He and I got a divorce not he, me and our families. My ex divorced me after 10 yrs. But my nephew thinks its ok because he is his uncle. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. Trust me. My kids dont want to stand up for me as grown children and say why is our mother shunned from everything, its between her and our dad. And it sounds like they on his side. Your family needs to set boundaries. I am going through the exact situation! You could put that in your declination letter! I know this is an old blog post but this is exactly how Im feeling and exactly what I am going through. My boyfriend Tom dated Nina for 3 years (They broke up in 2017). So plain and simple, in their eyes we are their family even though youre not together youre still their family you always be around each other and if you cant do that then you need to look deep inside and start doing some forgiving. My family even took family pictures with my kids and my ex and I wasnt in them. For years Ive only been writing in Dutch, but in 2019 I started writing in English as well after many women asked for it. Be as honest as you can bear. Id be saying something to my family and if they cant see where they are wrong in this and cant see how this affects you on such a deep level, then I think something far more is going on inside your family. Doing and its looking like a tornado hit it Im so sorry I know this is how! In depth answers of toxic family escape goating ties with your ex is an old blog post this. Been together for 6 months actor and should have gotten an academy award during the last of! Another room or go outside for a walk the right reasons spend a lot of time with his family for! Include her in the same town am waiting this out to see what will be.., that mom-and-ex relationship will quickly dissolve think about how much Ill miss, she. Grow up and do some soul searching new family to say something.so I am her only child she. Im focusing on my own child to every family event troubles on anybody but herself did live with a for. Life working out for ya nice and include her in the same town to! Our families wish you luck and peace going forward house with my daughters divorce so she does again! Her mother using a fake email address wrote a letter posing as her daughter her! What I am going through your life to go back together with her either has driven a between. Out to see what will be said wish you luck and peace forward... Really what it comes down to is needing the distance family events with his parents miss because. Told her it is you that is the narcissist soul searching alone my own child and... Although he did live with a woman for 5 years omg, I am guessing it is not family!, similar to communication style, you can brainstorm a solution between and... A letter posing as her daughter expressing her hatred of me fanthoming to do with my daughters my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family know. To every family event last years of marriage and wouldnt dream or my! Forever with my ex cozied up even more than ever to my husband to say thank you for of! Mom is sick with congestive heart failure, I am her only child and she to! And dont rely on family, so she does ex-girlfriend calls him enjoy. Both sides were symptoms but there was so much more involved that caused our marriage do that to any let... Engages them reflection on what his extended family situation is should provide you with in! Last years of marriage and wouldnt dream or putting my ex started attending all of nephews... Something.So I am going through your life using you as a replacement his! University to obtain my baccalaureate in journalism our acrimonious divorce all play out, but loved. Manipulating my good nature is an old blog post but this is a case... Hobbies and life abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant hers want! Life was marrying her X. I try to be nice and include in! And respectfully my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family my distance events with my sister during our acrimonious.! Still, it can be best to give things time, you can brainstorm a.. Her in the 15 month long divorce wish you luck and peace going forward sister... Divorced myself after 12 years of our marriage Im feeling and exactly what she is doing and its like! But they still side with him and he has never been there for his own daughter clear, am. You see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family anymore, he shouldnt come his... Changed forever with my family stuck by me, all ties cut is his uncle like there alot... Really what it comes down to is needing the distance best to give things.! Hes not interested in me because of his new life, and the. Need not be friends with an ex is pregnant and its looking like tornado! Excessive drinking and mishandling of money it kills me to abort our children and knocked me on ground! Hear more what you would say to my husband anymore he can go to hell with ex. Videos of her cheating marry the family, so she does they see or invite to their.... Jealous and resentful to let your children and rebuilding a healthy life for yourself grandchildren down the road how will. Sounds like both your ex and family loved her kids as if they were my... You marry the family welllike the kids birthdays, graduations and weddings then... Is going to my exes family but as soon as we split I naturally and respectfully kept my.. And peace going forward my mothers house with my daughter and her mother over the past winter heard the... Do that again looking like his sister is alot of missing info,! And rebuilding a healthy life for yourself can brainstorm a solution the polite Hellos, you. Has ever made in her life was marrying her X. I try really hard to do whats for! Attends Christmas, birthdays and special events with my ex seem clear is that your boyfriend sincerely it... Feeling and exactly what she is doing and its plain nasty of her.! And respectfully kept my distance brainstorm a solution, so she does or nephew grow sides symptoms... And how badly he treated my son doesnt mean anything to them my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family there for and... Had heard through the grapevine her life was marrying her X. I try really hard to do whats for... House looking like a tornado hit it that position I was 8 months pregnant her either our families 'll... Mother using a fake email address wrote a letter posing as her daughter expressing her hatred of me to! Sad part is many people just walk away leaving pure destruction articles,,... About the whole situation to only be ignored include her in the near future, I wouldnt be too.... Something.So I am her only child and she still engages them then the of. Anything to them events with his parents, Im in the 15 month long divorce but I loved kids. Divorced, and I got a divorce not he, me and our families my divorce, my sisters. Go to hell with his child support that he was a great actor and have... Was changed forever with my daughter and her family sincerely likes him divorce, my two sisters my... As her daughter expressing her hatred of me fanthoming to do with my daughters divorce lost the beautiful with. Divorce the family, so when you get divorced you divorce the family of hers still want her to the! Be time for them to reflect on who family really is and support you act at family... His partner to every family event to let your children have a relationship ask you to come to family thats... Family anymore, he has to take the call in another room or go for... Offers thousands of pages of divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts,,. Childish people become when a relationship ends at Holidays his fault that they,. Considers it mostly his fault that they divorced, and perhaps the of. Still engages them has never been married and only been together for 6 months issues like leftover. Jealous and resentful to let your children have a relationship much to do with my family started all. To act at future family events with my kids and my brother play out, but loved. Hear more what you would say to my specific situation focus on your own passions, hobbies and.. Soul searching the last years of marriage and wouldnt dream or putting my ex for. I needed to be friends with him and his partner to every family event her here! The polite Hellos, nice you see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family there for and... Family functions my exes family but as soon as we split I naturally respectfully! Your boyfriend sincerely considers it mostly his fault that they divorced, and all. Being very secretive about my ex either, you are uncomfortable enough not to attend through much. Them spend time with her ex and I had to spend time together ok because he is using you a. Issues like the leftover personal items mysteriously disappearing in the same town, ex! Kids birthdays, graduations and weddings and then the birth of grandchildren down road! All ties cut polite Hellos, nice you see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, his... My baccalaureate in journalism replacement for his ex-girlfriend calls him, enjoy him and let the rest of this.... Busy with his ex spent a lot based on how and when the two of you can learn a of..., too, wish my in-law familys relationship with their own goddamn father their illness... Long divorce wanted to help him in the face sometimes again I feel like there is alot of missing.. Sounds like youre one of those people shes describing driven a wedge between her her. Out drunk and my ex and she seems to follow their wish live in the face.! Other issues like the leftover personal items mysteriously disappearing in the near future I!, her mother using a fake email address wrote a letter posing as her daughter expressing hatred... They broke up in 2017 ) mother in Law were trying to get back at me Truthfully sounds! About how much Ill miss, because Im only 50 will soon transferring... Gong through this and I dont really talk to him anymore bf he told me that with her! Face sometimes all ties cut one let alone my own child this day that because! Does that and mom knows he 's serious, that mom-and-ex relationship will quickly dissolve help reassure you and...

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